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Lamest Fireworks – Bottom Five

When I was a kid, fireworks were awesome. We got to play with lighters, we got to make things explode, light up, or otherwise do something really cool. Years later, I reflect on the fireworks of my youth and realize that now, it's just not the same. The fireworks stands are filled with the latest in mortar launching products that make others feel lame by comparison. Here's a list of the least exciting fireworks on the stands.

(Photo by Michael Smith/Getty Images)
(Photo by Michael Smith/Getty Images)


Bottle Rockets



Bottle rockets are like firecrackers on steroids. I remember watching the neighborhood kids fire these things at each other in their own version of 'Tag'. Now, a simple launch into the sky and a single pop isn't enough. it's like it has it's own safety feature of moving itself a few hundred feet away before it explodes, but the explosion is more like a puff. You can try to add to the excitement by launching multiple bottle rockets but that still doesn't bring the bang you get with other fireworks today.


(Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)
(Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)





I remember one of the only fireworks we were allowed to play with as kids were Sparklers. In hindsight, it seems like a dangerous choice. Yes, they didn't explode, but they sure did create a lot of light and heat. It sure was exciting when they got lit, but after it got fired up and started spraying your arm with sparks, or when the neighbor started swinging it around like a sword and never knowing if you were gonna get hit with the 1,500 degree tip, it turned into not such a good idea.


Flickr user kainroadculdesac
Flickr user kainroadculdesac


Black Snake



Give a kid a lighter and one of these and you are guaranteed at least 30 minutes of aggravation and disappointment, especially if you've been working on a dud for a while. The Black Snake starts off as a tiny firework pill, and ends up as a pile of ash on your driveway. I still can't believe I even tried to enjoy this one as a kid, much less an adult with my own kids. No bang, no color, just a steaming pile of debris.


Flickr user peruisay
Flickr user peruisay





At some point, the individual firecracker lost it's luster. The only real way to have fun with these is to leave them all attached and light them all to create something of substance. A single firecracker kind of reminds me of a dog that lets out a single bark once every five minutes. It doesn't really scare people away, all it does is keep you from sleeping. Then comes the tricky part if you actually DO want to separate them and light them one-by-one. It's like a string puzzle that has no solution, just a tangled web of wicks and string. You really get a sense of accomplishment when you finally get one separated, until you see the other 40 packs sitting on the side. I say just light the whole box and be done with it.


Flickr user karindalziel
Flickr user karindalziel


Smoke Bomb



I really used to enjoy the final one on the list as a kid. I remember lighting as many as I could at the same time and try to create the largest smoke screen ever (hiding from what I still can't remember). Now, smoke bombs create stains on the street and not a lot of 'Wow'.


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