The 2013 (Un)Official Tourism Guide For 49ers Fans Visiting New Orleans For Super Bowl XLVII

It's official. The San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens will face off in New Orleans for Super Bowl XLVII. Fans of both teams, and the NFL alike will make their way to the Big Easy to enjoy the big game and all the festivities that surround it.

While many members of the Who Dat Nation rooted for the 49ers in the NFC Championship, most will agree that it was simply a choice between the lesser of two evils. In case anyone missed the memo, the Atlanta Falcons are extremely hated as they are the biggest rivals of the New Orleans Saints franchise. The mere thought of the 'Dirty Birds' playing in (and possibly winning) the Super Bowl on our home turf is enough to make any Saints fan's blood boil.

After Bountygate, the slogan at the beginning of the season was "Us against the world." Then, with the absence of suspended head coach Sean Payton, that slogan became "Do your job." After a season where the Saints clearly didn't get the job done, missing the playoffs with a 7-9 record, the slogan became "Anyone but Atlanta."

As expected, the Atlanta Falcons - who we split 1-1 with in the 2012 season, handing them their first loss to disrupt any possibility of a perfect season - continued their trend of being "regular season champions" blowing a 17-0 lead, and letting the San Francisco 49ers comeback for a 28-24 NFC Championship victory on their own home turf.

Now, lets get back to that "lesser of two evils" thing I mentioned earlier. Even though we cheered them on to crush the Falcons, as Saints fans we still haven't forgotten about how the 49ers spoiled our Super Bowl chances with their comeback antics in the 2011 Playoffs, nor have we forgotten the ass-whipping they handed us in the Superdome earlier this season in what we thought would be our "revenge game."

That very disdain, has produced one of the funniest things that I can only pray will become a printed reality. I present to you, courtesy of Shirley You Can't Be Serious:

Whether you want to go for an exhilarating early morning swim in the Mississippi River or take a guided aluminum flat boat tour on Lake Pontchatrain, we New Orleanians want you to have a good time while you are visiting for the Superbowl. After all, you were so nice to us last year for our playoff game.

SIGHT SEEING

A nice quick way to knock out some sight-seeing is to ask your cabbie to swing by Grand Isle on your way from the Airport to your hotel. It’s only a few minutes out the way and a must see. Don’t forget to tell your driver you were told they had some great “Katrina Damage” and you want to get some good photos for the folks back home.

HAUNTED TOURS

You may be tempted to go on a walking “Haunted Tour” of the French Quarter, however, this is a huge tourist trap and should be avoided at all costs. Remember, you want an authentic New Orleans experience while you are here. It is a huge tradition to go trick or treating in the Iberville Housing Development located just north of Rampart Street every Friday night, beginning at 8:00 p.m. If you don’t feel like buying an elaborate costume, just wear your favorite NFL player’s jersey (Vernon Davis is a favorite) or a “BP CARES” shirt.

DINING OUT

You will want to experience some authentic New Orleans cuisine while you are here. This of course will involve crayfish (proper term), oysters and po-boys. When ordering crayfish, confirm with your waiter that the crayfish were killed prior to boiling or you could get sick. An easy way to tell is to look for the elongated tails, curled tails are bad. Also, look for the “flavor line” (a dark colored line of flavor running up the back of the tail meat). The same applies to oysters, the warmer they were stored during the day, the better they are at night.

If you are in the mood for one of our famous hamburger sausage poor boys, check out the Krystal Burger on Bourbon. This family owned establishment is one of the oldest restaurants in the city and, in addition to great sausage, are best known for their amazing hot tea tableside service.

Also, “Beignets” are actually pronounced "Big Nets" named after the rather large nets used to scoop the pastry out the grease after cooking. Trying to sound French with a silent "G" will only make you look pretentious and guarantee someone spits in your creamer.

WALKING DISTANCE

You can totally walk from the quarter to the zoo, it's only a few blocks. The same applies to city park.

RIVER BOAT RIDES

A great way to see the city is to take a ferry ride to Algiers and back. At only $25 round trip, it’s a bargain. Just give the cash to the first person you see walking in. If you want to get in a little fishing too, the fishing pole rentals are on the top floor, but remember that here we call river fishing poles "long rods" so when you see a ferry officer tell him you are looking for one.

DEALING WITH “HUSTLERS”

If someone approaches you and attempts to wager money that they can tell you where you got your shoes, they are bluffing, take the bet but up the ante to whatever cash you have in your wallet. Make sure you show him how much cash you have, this is important as he will be reluctant to bet you. Easy money...thank me later.

ACCOMMODATIONS

If you are having trouble finding hotels, check out some of the accommodations on Paris Road in Chalmette. Long known as the "Bourbon Street for locals", it's just a few minutes outside town and promises to be lots of fun.

DANCING IN THE STREET

Another thing to remember is that “second lining” is for tourists, ask your concierge for the nearest third line.

SUPERDOME TIPS

If you have a little too much to drink prior to kick off, use the large round urinal in the men's room at the Superdome. It’s a sure fire way to speed up those bathroom breaks during the big game.

The only thing that could make this better, is if some poor 49ers actually takes this seriously. I promise, when and if that does happen, I'll be the first to let you know! Make sure you go and "like" the Shirley You Can't Be Serious" Facebook Page.

It's the least you can do for the laughs! #WHODAT