The 10 Facebook Status Updaters That We Hate The Most
If you have a Facebook (and you probably do) then not only do you know the 10 people that I'm gonna tell you about, chances are, you despise them. We check our Facebook pages at least once a day. Some of us check it multiple times an hour. Facebook is free, which makes it amazing, but on the other hand it also means that anyone on our friends list who chooses to abuse the privilege of broadcasting to the world via obnoxious status updates is free to do so, as much as they choose to do so. Before you say “that's why I don't approve stupid people on Facebook” … trust me, the following lineup of Annoying Facebook Status Updaters do indeed exist on your friends list.
The Gym Rat
Obnoxious Update: “I’m bout to get my swole on … again!”
Don't get me wrong, maintaining a healthy lifestyle is great, but no one cares about your rigorous gym schedule and workout habits. Chances are, the people who hate your updates the most probably go to the gym too, they just didn't feel the need to let everyone know. Even if it isn't your intention, your updates come across as nothing more than a cry for attention. Your update screams “tell me how hot/jacked/swole I am, please!!!” We all love the occasional compliment, but try earning those compliments instead of begging for them inadvertently through FB status updates. Oh, and flexing in the mirror is just as bad. Stop that.
[How To Fix It]
People love to see other meet goals. People love accomplishments. If you run a marathon that you've been training months for, post that. Maybe you've dropped a TON of weight. People love “before and after” photos, as well as being part of your journey. Maybe you see something hilarious at the gym, like someone falling off of a treadmill. Post that.
Ex: “Dude just tried to lift a ton of weight and peed his shorts a little … slow down Arnold”
The High School Romance
Obnoxious Update: “OMG <3 <3 <3 <3 He is so amazing"
To everyone who thinks that their friends list wants to know just HOW MUCH they are IN LOVE with their significant other, think again. No one cares, especially the single people on your friends list. It may sound harsh, but let's be honest, does anyone really care “how much you miss your man” or “how you've never felt like this with anyone before?” Nope. Truth hurts. The worst part about having to endure this mushy jib-jab is that when the relationship fails, we never get the time we wasted reading your obnoxious updates back. Do yourself and everyone else a favor, don't waste time with public mushiness until you know you have met “the one.” There aren't many other things more annoying than watching a relationship in it's honeymoon phase through status updates. Most of us have “been there and done that.”
[How To Fix It]
Did you get engaged? Tell us about it. 50th anniversary? That's awesome, post it. Terrible breakup? Sure, let us know (because we all love feeling better about ourselves at the expense of your fairy tale going down the drain)
Ex: “Guess who has two thumbs and a diamond on her ring finger? — THIS GIRL! We're engaged!”
Obnoxious Update: “The sky is blue, I’m bored”
Ahhhh, yes. The person who feels the need to let us know about every mundane detail of their life. OMG you're bored .. AT WORK ??? No way! Wait a minute, you just woke up .. and YOU'RE SLEEPY????? Get out of here!!! Newsflash: Chances are, everyone on your friends list that will be reading your update “woke up” “took a shower” “sat in traffic” and “ate food” at some point in their day too. So spare them the newsfeed clutter. Especially if it involves a bathroom or a toilet.
[How To Fix It]
If you saw something that NEVER happens, barely escaped death or saved someone else's life, then that is postworthy.
Ex: “Today was awesome. Saw a real ninja, an old lady helped ME cross the street and saved a ton of money on my car insurance .. literally #winning”
The Ignorant Spammer
Obnoxious Update: “Obama hates puppies, so he plans on taking all of our animals by May of next year for dog fighting championships that we will be taxed on!!! REPOST THIS STATUS AND FIGHT TERRORISTS IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!”
This could be my most hated of all the ridiculous Facebook status updates. If there is anything worse than someone who is uninformed it would be the fact that they use Facebook to spread their ignorance like wildfire. If you don't believe me, then think about how many people in your newsfeed actually click on spam, porn links, the spider bite etc. etc. As a matter of fact, unless you are looking for a missing child, or reporting on a dangerous criminal on the loose, NOTHING on Facebook “needs” to be reposted “or else.” Chances are someone has you and 6 other people in their newsfeed reposting the same obnoxious propaganda. You aren't being poisoned and the government isn't trying to cancel your company Christmas party. Calm down.
[How To Fix It]
The Party Animal
Obnoxious Update: “OMG, how much did I drink last night XXX!!!”
Now, I'm the last person to be a party pooper. As a DJ, I'm somewhat responsible for helping people to have a good time and let loose, but where do we draw the line? I'll tell you where. Right between “having a good time”, and a place called “just plain sad.” I'm not talking about the girl who “had so much fun last night.” I'm talking about the girl who “has no idea who's bed she woke up in this morning.” No matter how cool you think Snookie looks when she is doing it, you look like a douchebag. Especially, when you take pride in how wasted you can get in public, and then for those who weren't as unfortunate as others to actually see your shameful display, you post the details on Facebook for the world to see (and judge you by).
[How To Fix It]
Step 1: Grow Up. If you can't get through step 1, then just keep your shameful actions and activities to yourself. No one cares that you pissed the bed last night after downing 20 shots of Patron Tequila. Also, keep in mind that these days Facebook photos/status updates are one of the first places employers look when doing a background check. Look at your Facebook and ask yourself “Would I hire myself?” If the answer is “NO”, just delete your Facebook and start all over again.
Ex: “Last night was such a blast, thank God for “Girls Night!” I love my sisters!”