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The Many Nicknames of Breasts

(Photo by Joern Pollex/Getty Images)

In America, any women between the ages 20 and 50 have heard just about every lovable, tacky, horrendous, eye-rolling and hysterical term for those two mammary glands that sit on her chest. October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so what better time than now to spread knowledge on taking care of breasts (for both men and women)?

Yes, we said men. Even though breast cancer is commonly perceived as a disease for “females only”, men aren’t excluded from the insidious disease. For all the brave soldiers in Pink that are fighting the good fight for breast cancer awareness, this is for you. They say that laughter is the best medicine and hope cannot be prescribed. Even though neither can be measured and put into IV’s it doesn’t mean that anyone can take them away.

Today on my show during a segment that we call ‘Trending @ 3′, the topic of discussion was #NicknamesForBreasts being that it was the top trending topic in the world. Normally, I’d be a bit skeptical, but I decided that since it was National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, that we would use a little bit of humor to raise awareness-and the outcome was hilarious.

From ‘puppies’ and ‘chesticles’ to ‘laurel & hardy’ I heard EVERY nickname for boobies that you could possibly imagine, and without further ado, I’d love to share them with you.

BOSOMS - I have to admit, there is nothing sexy about this one. The only people I’ve ever heard use that term are Blanche from the Golden Girls and my great-grandmother (RIP). When I hear the word “bosom” I think about juice cups and afternoon naptimes, not to mention that “old lady perfume powder smell.”

HOOTERS - What came first? The restaurant or the … errr. Let’s just say the restaurant did not come first. I’m not quite sure where the name came from. Is it because as men, we imagine that if they made a noise, then that noise would be horn-like? Maybe it’s because they are “owl-like” in their shape. Who knows, either way, Hooters are cool.

BREASTS - It’s anatomically correct. The original term is also acceptable in public. Something about the word “breasts” says class. It’s not that clinical, but it’s also not derogatory. Definitely the safe bet.

TITS (TETONS) - It may just be me, but when I hear this one, I automatically think “farm animal.” While they are used for nursing, no one wants to be likened to the figure associated with the side of the milk jug. You may as well just call them udders. Tetons is definitely a softer way to say it, but neither term shows much creativity. In other words, don’t expect a home-cooked meal if you’re using these.

BOOBS - This is definitely your sorority girl college locker room cheerful bouncy word. There are no strings attached here. The best part is that even men can have boobs! (Moobs, man boobs etc.) It’s fun, yet safe. This one could be your all around best bet.

TATAs - This is the word that rappers would most often use. It’s swagger friendly. It’s cool. A 2-yr-old can say it and no one will be upset. No rough edges here. When the “Save the TaTas” movement was at it’s peak, I was a happy camper. That’s how much I love TaTas, and you should too!

THE GIRLS - This is a term for girls, to be used by girls. It’s non threatening, and almost a nickname that most women actually give their own breasts, as opposed to most others, in which they are at the mercy of others. This is definitely the I-Am-Woman-Hear-Me-Roar terminology for breasts. Fellas will have a whole different perspective the next time they hear a woman say “I’m taking the girls out tonight!”

RACK - This is definitely a guys only term. It’s almost as if we are hunting or selecting meat at a market. It almost has a mechanical conotation. Kinda like getting under the hood and getting some things tuned up. If you use this term, don’t expect to be tinkering with much.

KNOCKERS - This one is a tough one to get away with. Most females would cringe at the term being that no matter what men may think they resemble, breasts are definitely not meant to be handled like speedbags. It also reminds women of gravity that may have taken toll. It’s almost caveman-like. Use this one with caution.

There were plenty other words that I heard today to describe breasts like JUGS, TWINS, PUPPIES, HEADLIGHTS, CANS and MELONS. I was actually impressed with the variety and at the end of the day, even though it left boobs on the brain, it was all about ONE THING.

Awareness.

You or anyone you may know at risk …. make sure everyone gets CHECKED OUT!

What do you call them? We want to hear YOUR term for the TATAs! Comment below now!

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