What Kind Of Drinker Are You?
To paraphrase a quote by the immortal Rick James, alcohol is a hell of a drug. Though alcohol is one of those rare substances that is enjoyed by all regardless of race, creed, religion, or class, it seems to have different affects on everyone. The following is a list of common drinker stereotypes. The question is, which one are you?
The Bro Drinker
Natural Habitat: Sports Bars
Drink of Choice: Domestics
The Bro Drinker is one of the most easily identifiable of all the drinking species. Usually found in sports bars with backwards baseball hats and domestic beers, the Bro drinker is known for it's chants and rituals. Hardly shy, the Bro enjoys engaging in long and meticulously orchestrated handshakes with fellow Bros, loves making up ridiculously complex pre-shot rituals, and is constantly shouting drinking chants at the top of its lungs.
The Bro Drinker is very approachable and can be befriended easily with the simple phrase, "hey bro, want a shot?"
The Sorority Drinker
Natural Habitat: Trendy restaurants with cheap wine
Drink of Choice: Whatever they can con someone into buying them
The Sorority Drinker is a pack animal and never lingers far from the herd. Known for constant giggling and loud "woooooo" noises, the Sorority Drinker tends to be very well dressed and dangerously inebriated. An interesting trait of the Sorority Drinker is that the more she drinks, the more trouble she has with the laws of occupancy. Is that table designed for four? The Sorority Drinker will pack 10 girls in there. Think you can't fit six Sorority Drinkers on a small couch? Think again. They will find a way.
The Sorority Drinker is never far from her iPhone, constantly texting and taking picture. Though individual Sorority Drinkers may be easily approachable, due to their short attention spans and unimpressed predispositions they are best left alone when herded together. She derives almost all her power from the herd. Separated from her fellow Sorority Drinkers she becomes bewildered and powerless.
The Off Duty Bartender
Natural Habitat: The smoking section
Drink of Choice: Jameson
One of the rarest of all drinker species, the Off Duty Bartender is a site to behold when found in the wild. Due to its constant exposure to annoying customers the Off Duty Bartender has developed a cynical and often condescending view of typical bar patrons. The Off Duty Bartender is often found sitting quietly in dark sections of the bar complaining to anyone that will listen about the tough life of a bartender.
Always flush with cash, the Off Duty Bartender tips very well and insists that all his/her drinkers are made with top shelf alcohol. The Off Duty Bartender choses little known craft beers over domestics and prides itself on accumulated alcohol knowledge. The Off Duty Bartender has a deceivingly high tolerance and loves buying rounds of shots.
The Country Boy
Natural Habitat: Truck beds and local bars
Drink of Choice: Indistinguishable brownish yellowish most likely containing some form bourbon or whiskey
The stoic figure of the Country Boy Drinker is common place in just about every bar. Wearing well worn jeans and loose fitting fishing shirts, the Country Boy is rarely seated, though he enjoys leaning up against walls to hide the fact he's too drunk to walk.
The Country Boy has a legendary alcohol tolerance and loves pushing the limits of the human liver. Though one one is ever quite sure what he's drinking, the Country Boy loves offering you a sip from his cup. Warning: don't take that sip. It tastes like rubbing alcohol with a dash of carbonation. It's not for normal human consumption. Then again, the Country Boy is not the normal human. Though he may have a blood alcohol level higher than everyone else in the room combined, the Country Boy will generally insist everyone piles into his giant truck for the ride home.
His greatest fear, last call. His greatest weakness, punching machines.
The Social Drinker
Natural Habitat: Crowds
Drink of Choice: Whatever is 2 for 1
Let's clear one think up right away. The term "social drinking" usually describes someone who responsibly drinks alcohol. The Social Drinker rarely engages in "social drinking". The Social Drinker is one who becomes the life of the party after irresponsibly consuming alcohol at alarming rates.
Never in the same place twice, the Social Drinker drifts around the room from group to group striking up conversations and making friends he/she will never remember. The Social Drinker knows everyone in the room and is generally well liked by everyone, except of course the people he rode with, because they can never find him.