(KMDL-FM) What scares Americans? Nuclear war? Disease and Famine? Beer prices at a concert venue? While all of those can put a bit of trepidation into our lives, nothing shakes the country up more than when our nation's beloved toilet paper supply is threatened.
I think we all remember COVID-19. I think we all remember that time it snowed. I think we all remember that anytime there is a threat to "we the people," the first thing we think about is not only covering our backsides but how we are going to keep them clean and fresh.
Why is America on the Cusp of a Major Toilet Paper Price Increase?
Yes, America is on the cusp of yet another major toilet paper insurrection. And like other insurrections, there can be a connection made to what is going on in Washington DC. If you don't follow national and international headlines, you might be surprised to learn that America, or at least some American political leaders, are at odds with Canada.
The issue at hand is tariffs, you know, import taxes. Some American political leader thing Canadian companies should pay more to be able to sell their goods in America. Canada thinks that American companies should do the same. We are not here to debate that; we are here to inform you that the cost of wiping your butt could be rising faster than the price of eggs during a bird flu.
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The reason toilet paper is singled out as a hot-button item is that, as we've stated earlier, it's the most important thing in our lives during an emergency. It's also a product that requires a certain amount of synergy between America and Canada.
Most paper products- toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, facial tissues are manufactured in the United States. However, the raw materials, the pulpwood needed to make those products, come from Canada.
Let's look at some corporate math to figure this out. Canadian lumber could see a tariff increase of 50%. That means it costs more to produce. American companies sell a lot of paper products in Canada, toilet paper included, that get up to a 50% tariff increase. I see two instances of "50% increase". I think that adds up to 100%, right? Guess who is going to be on the hook for those added expenses?
Premium Toilet Paper Could Cost More Than $50 for a Multi-Roll Pack
Premium toilet paper- the kind they don't put in the bathroom where you work- costs as much as $1.50 per roll. As of this morning, the price of Charmin's Ultra Soft 18-Mega Plus Roll Pack was selling for $26.98. A 100% price increase on that would mean you would be paying almost $54 for the pleasure of a gentle bum wipe.
Of course, you could opt for a lower-quality tissue or invest in a bidet. At Canadian Trade War prices, you could pay for that butt washer with the money you save on about two months' worth of toilet paper.
READ MORE: Viral Trend - Toilet Paper in the 'Fridge, Why? And Why it Works
Somehow I think this will get worked out rather quickly as soon as the politicians realize that clean butts are more important to Americans than showing Canada who is boss. We don't need tariffs to do that; we have hockey. And we know that stings Canadians harder than any tariff ever could.
Okay, now let's see if we can at least save you some money somewhere else.
What's On Sale Between Back-to-School and Labor Day? Plenty
Gallery Credit: Bruce Mikells
