Friends, Cajuns, Countrymen, lend me your ears.

The Saints have won another football game and false hope flows through me like bacon grease through Andy Reid's bloodstream.

Next week the Saints get to match up with one of last year's Super Bowl contenders, the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals are, of course, lead by LSU hereaux Joe Burreaux and fellow LSU alum and top receiver Ja'marr Chase. The Bengals also carry a great many beloved former Saints on the squad including Vonn Bell and Trey Hendrickson.

However, the Cincinnati Bengals also field a burnt-toast cornerback by the name of Eli Apple. Apple played a short stint for the Saints before being run out of town for getting cooked more often than chicken nuggets at a daycare.

But he let one final statement about NOLA fly through his crisped-up lips last year during his brief bit of public recognizance after he had the first good game of his career.

Eli, son, watching you try to play corner kills way more of my brain cells than pork or crawfish ever could.

I could spend a few hundred words here about how the only people allowed to insult New Orleans like that are actual Louisianans, even North Louisianans are pushing it. Or I could discuss how wrong Eli is about crawfish killing peoples' brains. How crawfish is actually incredibly protein-dense, low in unhealthy fats, and a great source of vitamin B12, niacin, iron, copper, and selenium (thanks Google).

But instead I'd like to talk about Eli Apple on the field of play. If he's ever actually out there that is, usually his man has beaten him by so much that he isn't even in frame so you can't be sure.

I could probably beat Eli Apple on a route. Matter of fact, I could definitely beat Eli Apple. Put a number up from the route tree and I'd expose that man for what he is. I'd probably tear my ACL, MCL, groin, calf, ankle, Achilles, quad, hamstring, etc., but Apple would look like an apple pie. Baked.

Wait. I meant cooked.

Shoot, really dropped the ball on that one.

Just like Eli Apple trying to catch an interception. Nailed it.

Don't take my word for it, though. Saints fans on social media have been fully engaged in #EliAppleHateWeek since the Bengals game Sunday night, and the results are hilarious.

There are those simply eager to watch Apple get smoked by the Saints receiving core, including a hopefully healthy former All-Pro Michael Thomas.

I understand the sentiment. But me personally, I think having Eli get cooked by a former All-Pro, a top 5 slot receiver in the league in Jarvis Landry, or future Offensive Rookie of the Year Chris Olave would be hollow. Of course he would get smoked by those guys.

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I want to see Apple get beat by "occasional hands" Tre'Quan Smith or Keith Kirkwood who was on the practice squad last week. No disrespect to these players, but getting to see Eli Apple get manhandled by the bottom of our depth chart would bring a smile to my face and warmth to my cold, dead heart.

Maybe Taysom will run him over too, just to complete the embarrassment.

The slander has been quick-witted and ruthless. There were plenty of hilarious insults chucked at the hapless corner. And yet, somehow I get the feeling they all sailed over Eli's head, and probably into the waiting arms of some wide open receiver.

Let's have a look, shall we?

That's messed up. 5 parking spaces? Look, you shouldn't key people's cars. But 5 parking spaces is a lot of parking spaces.

I would love to see Eli Apple face off against the Bigfoot mascot from those Slim Jim commercials. A delicious Slim Jim probably wouldn't be the only thing getting "snapped into" or in this case "snapped in two".

Oh come on, now that's just too soon. But to be fair, Apple probably couldn't even cover the space on Matt Rhule's gigantic forehead anyway.

Eli Apple's humiliation is scheduled for noon on Sunday. It will take place at the Superdome, and there will also be a football game too. The Saints take on the Bengals. Should be a good one.

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