4 Terrifying Signs of Summer in Acadiana
The official start of summer is only days away, and while some are excited for the sunniest of seasons, others are all to aware of the constant dangers presented by the summer sun. The grads may be glad and the beaches may be bustling, but summer time is not all sunshine and frozen concoctions. There is much to fear. The following is a guide to anticipating and surviving the 4 Terrifying Signs of Summer in Acadiana. May the best of luck be with you all.
The Oompa Loompas Are Coming!
“Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo, girl, that color ain't natural on you”
The summer sun, like alcohol and asphalt has an interesting impact on the human brain. The desire for the perfect tanned and toned beach bod leads to our first terrifying sign of summer…
The Oompa Loompa attempts to blend in with the rest of us. Wearing sunglasses that cover most of it's face, the Oompa Loompa sticks out like a tangerine in a banana basket. Though it's bright orange face may not match the rest of it's dull orange body, the Oompa Loompa proudly struts like a puma on the prowl around pool parties and beach scenes with a frozen drink permanently placed in her palms.
When asked about her obviously fake tan-from-a-can the Oompa Loompa will deny till she dies, but we all know the truth. The Oompa is not fooling anyone. Fear the Oompa Loompa, for her bright orange face is full of deception, and possibly flammable.
The Green Army
What gets decapitated weekly yet never dies?
Each summer day thousands of dads across Acadiana will go to war with their yards. Armed with straw hats and safety glasses their triumphs are often short lived. Like attempting a land war in Asia their efforts are futile. The grass cannot be conquered. This reality does not stop their valiant efforts. Our proud Papas do what they can to keep us safe from the evil ever-growing grass.
Our number three sign of summertime in Acadiana is seeing your grass and gasoline covered father in the front yard audibly arguing with his lawn equipment.
The Ambiguously Sexual Half Naked Fireman
Who put him here? What is he pointing at? Where is his shirt?
For years the Ambiguously Sexual Half Naked Fireman has both mystified and inspired downtown visitors. A photo favorite for tourist and drunken sorority girls, the Fireman has become a cult legend in Lafayette gaining notoriety for his oddly contorted stance and fierce facial expression.
This year, in an attempt to slow down the growing wear and tear on the statue, a fence was erected to keep visitors from inadvertently harming him. At least that's what the city claims. We think the people in charge were worried about the statue one day coming alive and leading disco dancing revolution through downtown streets. Undaunted, fans of the statue have soldiered on. No cage can contain the popularity of the Ambiguously Sexual Half Naked Fireman.
Our number two terrifying sign of summertime is seeing your Facebook news-feed flooded with photos of your friends posing with Lafayette's fiercest Fireman.
Against our better judgment, every summer the schools close and Acadiana's children are unleashed upon us like a biblical flood. These chocolate covered titans of terror run wild across Acadiana with reckless abandon. They pee in public pools, run in restaurants, and cheat at checkers. They throw rocks at you in the park, talk loud in libraries, and cannot be reasoned with.
Though the children are currently locked away at their medium security middle schools, they will soon be released. Proper precautions should be met in advance of their arrival. Keep juice boxes handy to distract them. Board up windows and consider keeping extra batteries and flashlights around just in case. Load up on potted meats and bottled water, and lock up anything in your yard that could possibly become a projectile. You may not be able to stop these forces of nature, but you should do your part to minimize the damage as best you can.
The number one terrifying sign of summertime in Acadiana, children.